Well, I guess I was too quick to think DH was getting all better because of his new insight. Things have only gotten worse, and this weekend I had to tell him he cannot see the kids any more until he has a letter from his psychiatrist or therapist, saying that he is compliant with his treatment plan. Two people - one of them a therapist herself - have told me I should know better by now than to let him near us, and that if anything happens they will go to court and say I knew better. I finally heard back from a divorce attorney whom I will meet with in a couple of days, and I am just waiting to see whether or not it becomes necessary to file for a restraining order.
He keeps saying he understands my reasons and accepts them, and he's not going to fight me on it, BUT..... And then follows 20 minutes or so of various conflicting arguments as to why things should not be over yet. No matter what I say, he refuses to accept it. Although he says over and over that he IS accepting it. He just doesn't. I wrote a letter to the school on the advice of my therapist and the school principal, stating my reasons for not wanting the boys released to him if the question arises. I hope they find it sufficient, and I hope the question does not come up.
He tried very hard to take back what he told me, even saying that it might not be true and that he only told me because his therapist said to. But I don't believe it. It explains way too much that had no explanation before. And besides, I'm tired of fighting tooth and nail for a spot in his life. If he ever cared for me the way he claims to, I never would have had to. Plus I'm not giving away any more of myself for nothing in return. Without him, I have a future, I have potential, I can be a good mother. With him, I'll never be able to do more than survive.
Meanwhile the boys started school last week and are loving it, we got a discounted membership to the YMCA starting today, and I start the Career Development course at the local college next week. I picked up more hours at work on the same days, and I think things are really looking up for me and the kids. I'm very glad to have my family in spite of our differences. I always know I can trust them to keep my children safe and not make disparaging comments about their father, and that is so valuable.
I never wanted my children to have a broken home. It hurts knowing that we are more broken with him than without him. But accepting that fact certainly makes the future look brighter. Here's to getting a life!