Monday, August 6, 2012

The Dirty Dozen

12 things about what's going on recently:

1. My birthday and our 10th anniversary were both recent. DH remembered neither, and I decided not to bring it up.

2. After 3 trips out to do it, and forgetting why I went out, I finally picked up a Kindergarten application for Brave Protector. I had forgotten how many forms have to be filled out. They are going to hate me again for this last minute registration thing. :( 

3. DH thinks he will be leaving the hospital for a recovery house this week. I'm not happy about that but I really feel he has to stand on his own now. His mother is very upset that I feel that way, and has jumped in to be his champion again (in her mind), and make sure that this is a FAMILY effort, with everyone involved in his healing process so that he will know we are ALL there for him. She will destroy him yet. It's just a matter of time. Last week she was all about getting him off his medications because if he could just be drug-free, of course he'd be perfect again. Then she started reading some books at the store about victims of child sexual abuse, and got really upset and changed her tune. I was quite relieved, but apparently too soon as she still evidently has no intention of backing the $%^& off and letting him actually HEAL for a change!!!!

4. My mom flat out said there is no way I can move in with them because "our disciplinary standards are too different." In other words, if I want to live with them, I'd better hit my children like God said to. Grrr. She did spend the better part of a week painting the ceiling white in our cabin, however, to relieve the oppressive feeling of carrying the ceiling on one's head. It's very helpful with the lighting and the claustrophobia, but it doesn't give us more space. She also wants to get another vehicle and keep the one she has right now as an extra vehicle so I can use it more freely. All of this is very generous of her and certainly not something to be taken for granted. But it's frustrating that she wants the help she is able to give to be enough, and blames me for the fact that it's not. I know that in reality she's just upset about not being able to do more.

5. My counselor told me about a free program at the community college for under-employed and single moms, etc. I called and registered. It runs for 7 weeks in the fall, 2 days per week, and offers some basic computer courses, job skills assessments, help with your resume, and other things to improve your chances in the job market. That's great. My parents were going to pay for me to take an adult night school course that would improve my job skills, but my mom said no when I said I wanted to learn Spanish. This is free, at least. And my sister has an online Spanish course we are going to try together, if we can do it without the kids around. One way or another, I am going to learn Spanish. I need to be bilingual in today's world.

6. I found out I could file for Innocent Spouse Relief for the last two years of tax returns that were applied to DH's tax debt. So I did that. If they give me my returns back, which I have no reason to think they won't, I will get over $4K, which would be enough to buy a car or something equally significant. I hope it works out.

7. I applied for Sec. 8 housing, was told the wait list is 4.5 YEARS. Then was relieved to find out that if I find a landlord (like our neighbor) who will do the application for me, I can get my voucher immediately, but I have to be working a minimum 20 hours per week to qualify. So I will wait until I finish the college thing. Then Mom got really upset that I would consider letting the taxpayers pay my rent when we have a perfectly good restored shed to stay in for free. What. Ever. That made me very angry. I'm such a parasite, I know, I do nothing all day and I just want to live off of everyone and watch TV 24/7. Ugh. I can't even remember the last time I actually watched a movie. Certainly not since DH has been gone, and for a while before that.

8. The boys are doing well with their counselors, but already Mom is asking how much longer they will be doing this. She wants me to stop taking them to visit their dad every week too, because it keeps us from going to church. I want to tell her that I am thoroughly sick of church and religion anyway, but no doubt she would completely write me off as a rebellious reject. The only people I see who actually follow religion are either people who have never needed to seriously question their beliefs, or who have chosen to live in denial rather than do so. God doesn't need me to attend church weekly to validate His existence.

9. I'm getting to a point where I really see no difference in the various denominations. They all look the same to an outsider. How can any one be more valid than another? I really want to join the Orthodox church and am very upset that we aren't close to one. And if that one isn't valid, the oldest Christian church in history, then none of them are.

10. I have to wean the princess. :( It doesn't make sense to keep carrying this pump around once I'm gone 4 days a week. I can't afford to replace the adapter that just broke anyway. I'm really sad about it, but there are worse things I suppose.

11. I was talking to my counselor about the difficulties with parenting right now. She pointed out that until I start to feel good about myself as a mother, and let go of the guilt over losing their father, the boys will always sense my hesitancy and manipulate it. And it made me feel like crying to realize how big an impact my mother has on those feelings, without even realizing it. All she really wants to do is help.

12. Something weird happened at work last week that drove home just how much I am still affected by the routine whippings of childhood. One of the shop owners, whom I chat with regularly while I am working, got upset about something I said to her husband. I had commented laughingly that she is never in the shop, which was actually true; but apparently it was a source of friction between them. So while I was closing, she came in and flipped out at me, saying I had no business talking about her, what was I thinking, and to HER HUSBAND of all people, this is HER business and she can do whatever the *&^% she wants. I was flabbergasted and didn't know what to say, and totally froze up and panicked. After she stalked away I tried to stop shaking and finish my work.

It occurred to me that at 32 years old I really should not be this afraid of another person's wrath. It's not like she was coming back with a belt, or confining me to my room for two days. So she was pissed off. That sucks. It didn't need to ruin my whole weekend. But it did. I was a nervous wreck for a couple of days and scared to go back to work. I decided to stay in my office and work on the tax forms I had to fill out, because I had no idea how to approach her. She came in after about an hour and blurted out, "I am so sorry about last week. I never should have yelled at you, I was drunk and I totally apologize."

I was floored, and stammered all over trying to assure her it was ok. I think she is the first person in my life who ever apologized for yelling at me. And I suddenly heard myself yelling at Whiz Kid, and refusing to back down because I was right and he was wrong, and I realized how cruel and damaging that is. I have GOT to stop yelling at the kids.

1 comment:

  1. I think it's awesome that you're going to take that class! And, even with everything not quite settled yet, you sound like you're in a really good place. They say that first step is awareness, and I have a feeling that next time, you won't be as affected as you were this time at the owner for yelling at you. And I'm glad she admitted she was wrong. (And horrified at her behavior.) Just keep doing what you're doing. One step, one day at a time, if you keep going down this path, you and the kids will be just fine.