Sunday, June 10, 2012

Delving in...

Well, I decided today would be a good day to get into why I restarted my blog and deleted everything prior. I have limited time, so I won't waste it on current events although there are several.

As I mentioned in my profile, DH is a clairvoyant. Or something of the sort. He hates it. He first became aware of it around the time the sexual abuse started, and since both go back to his earliest memories it's hard for him to separate the two. You can take or leave what I am going to say, because I am well aware that many people choose not to believe this stuff, and many more are simply unable to comprehend or relate. That makes it no less real for those affected, however.

I have never considered myself a clairvoyant/psychic/whatchamacallit. But I have always been sensitive. Growing up in a family who believed everything spiritual that didn't glow with a well-defined heavenly presence and sound like Scripture was by default evil, I just filed away my feelings and impressions in a section of my mind I keep for "interesting stuff." Things I don't expect or feel the need to answer, but still think they may be important somehow, someday. My ability to do that is, I suspect, the reason I survived my upbringing with an open mind.

For the past year I have been looking into the Orthodox Church. I felt that when something goes wrong, it makes sense to go back to the drawing board. Which in Christianity, means Orthodox. I am aware the Catholics disagree, but whatever. Not the point. Also we have been watching all these shows like "Paranormal State" and "A Haunting," and combined with DH's struggles and susceptibility to spirits, weird feelings began to grow oppressive.

I grew up with the belief that our faith should not be tied up in objects or rituals. And I honestly believe that. So it really struck me that objects like the crucifix and holy water, and rituals like the sign of the cross, work. My theory, which I am not entirely sure is wrong, is that it has to do with the force of the individual's spirit, and those objects give the person confidence to strengthen their spirits. Also, I was shocked to realize that dark forces are often accompanied by feelings of depression, hopelessness, and unreasonable grief. I had always assumed that evil would manifest with rage and hatred. It made me very concerned about the bouts of depression that seemed to overwhelm me sometimes for no apparent reason. I began to resist them actively, confident now that I wasn't just "living in denial" by trying not to let it consume me.

I have always felt that DH was cursed. The person who abused him had a demonic spirit he communicated with, and he performed ritualistic abuse on his victims (along with other abusers) as well as abuse of personal convenience. After DH revealed the abuse to his mother, this person declared some very specific and creepy curses on him. They lost the court cases, criminal and civil; but I have no doubt that did not allay the abuser's rage in any way.

I got into an argument about forgiveness on a blog for abused men. I publicly declared my feelings about this person for the first time; and although I did not use his name or attempt to identify him, I had a feeling of dread when I posted it, as though I had done something very unwise. I felt that this person was looking for us, spiritually, and that somehow he had gotten our scent. I feared that I had revealed too much identifying information on my blog over the months, and it would be too easy for him to find it since he knew certain things to look for.

One of the things I have learned in my life is that my instincts are usually right. After I moved out of my parents' home, I had nothing in the way of a safety net of experience in the wide world. I decided that it would be wise to go on instinct, and not worry about waiting for proof. Because that's usually too late. I still do that. And that's what I did with my blog. After a couple days of being nervous and paranoid and trying to backpedal on my statement about forgiveness, I woke up one morning and knew that I needed to delete my blogs. There were several posts I would have liked to save, but it would have taken too long. The urge was immediate.

After I deleted everything, I went back to our house and decided to do something I had been thinking of for a while. I took out the olive oil and blessed the house. I made the sign of the cross with oil on all the windows and doors, and on my own and the childrens' foreheads. I prayed a short prayer, and then wrote a verse on the refrigerator that I had found at random, about Jehovah turning Balaam's curse on the children of Israel into a blessing. Balaam had the power to place the curse, until Jehovah took exception. I found the verse comforting.

About ten minutes later DH called. He was on his way to work. He said that I would never believe what had just happened; he'd been attacked by a giant bird while driving down the interstate. TWICE. He said the bird hit his driver side window hard enough to crack the rain shield and leave feathers caught in it. He was startled and unsure what had happened, until he looked in his rearview to find the bird CHASING HIM DOWN THE HIGHWAY!! He said he watched in shock as it flew over the truck and circled around to hit his driver side window again - dead on this time. If it hadn't been up, he'd likely have had a fatal accident. The interstate in that area is pretty crowded at that time and he usually drives in the left of four lanes.

I was terrified and didn't dare tell him what I had just done. I felt it was definitely connected. A few days later, I found the deck of tarot cards he has had for a long time in his truck. He kept it there because I found it in the house a while back and told him to keep it out. I wrote him a note telling him he should get rid of them. A couple nights later he started telling me about some strange things that had been happening. He told me that he had been reading the tarot again recently, had read it for me and the boys and some other family members, and had tried to read it for the princess. He said that when he tried, he heard an old woman's voice in his head saying angrily, "Haven't you done enough already?" And that ever since, whenever he tried to read it, all he could see were red orbs, which he says means a negative energy.

I was very upset that he had been reading it, as I have no doubt that is why I felt like evil had found us. The spirits communicate with each other, and they have their own agenda. He said that he had gotten rid of the cards. I didn't ask how. But I must say things have felt much better since. More real. The times when we are angry or stressed feel normal now, not like a spiral of negative emotion that just engulfs and consumes us.

More on my spiritual beliefs and thoughts later.

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