Thursday, November 15, 2012

Chasing Trains

The lady who owns the tutu shop across from my current job said something awesome the other day. I told her I'm going to steal it for my own blog someday. Or maybe my autobiography. First, a little background:

DH did something horrendous. I expressed my opinions about it. He stopped talking to me and had his brother's girlfriend drop off the child support money for the week. I feel really bad for this girl. She is me 12 years ago, all starry-eyed and empathetic and wanting so bad to rescue this boy she loves, while everyone else can clearly see he has no intention of being rescued. Or indeed of ever giving a rat's ass about her well-being. She is a toy to play with as long as she can hold his interest.

I was talking to the tutu lady about it. She's Italian. She says what she thinks, and not always nicely. In fact we often disagree. But I like her anyway. The point is, I told her I thought maybe I really should tell girlfriend what she's getting into with this toxic bunch of users. And tutu lady thought that was a terrible idea. I said something like, "But I know where she's headed and I ought to say something." And she said, "I know. It's like a train wreck, you can see it coming but you'll just get hurt if you try to jump in."

The analogy isn't a new one, but for some reason the visual struck me like never before. I had to laugh. I said, "You know, that's what I've been doing my whole life. Chasing trains. It's time to go to the station and wait for the right one."

That is my tendency. I think, honestly, if I saw two trains headed for a collision, I really would try to stop them even if it meant putting my own safety at risk. And while I think that most people are too indifferent, I have to admit that lately I've been rethinking how much is indifference and how much is minding your own business.

I saw on the web that a girl in L.A. is missing after being forcibly dragged away and disrobed by an assailant. The search was called off. The police department spokesperson had the callousness to say that he hoped it was a domestic dispute that was resolved. Really? REALLY? An underage girl is dragged by her hair and stripped, and you think that might have gotten RESOLVED? What the &%^$ is wrong with the witnesses who failed to step in? See, that's NOT chasing trains. That's being something more than a piece of crap lying next to the road. Because the girl was not a willing participant in the collision.

Me trying to save DH from his mother, THAT was chasing a train. Trying to save girlfriend from my fate would be, too. Trying to save my current supervisor from his terrible marketing tactics - well, you get the idea. Lol.

There is no more friendship between DH and I. That is freeing in a way I never expected. He has had every opportunity to make the right decisions, and he has chosen not to. He does not want me for a friend. He wants me to be his toy again. I wanted him to show that he had the ability to contribute to our lives, but all he wants to do is whine about what we aren't contributing to his. It's over.

No more chasing trains. That's one wreck I'm not losing any more sleep over. And unfortunately, I suspect it will be an earth-shaking one, at least where his family is concerned. Let them blame me if they want to. I'm alive. And I'm staying that way.


  1. It's beautiful to watch your transformation.

  2. Discretion is the better part of valor.