I tried to sign up for internet so I could get some of these posts burning in my head out onto my blog. I forgot that we owed the internet company money. We could use Comcast, but I loathe them because they have the world's worst customer service after the DOT. So I guess I'll be internet-less a while longer. :(
Princess Berry learned to sit up a few weeks ago. Then she learned to crawl forward. The next night she forgot, and wailed and screamed, and protested with heartbreaking but amusing frustration her inability to repeat the process. But a couple days later she learned again and has been unstoppable. The only time I can be more than 3 feet from her now is when she is sleeping.
I had thought about nursing her long. Then short. But now I don't know what's happening. She seems to have tummy trouble with almost any food. Oatmeal cereal was ok, but she decided she doesn't like it any more. Maybe it's her teething. She's been teething for 3 months - I kid you not - and the pediatrician seems to think that's fine. I suspect she will cut 3 or 4 teeth at once. She's becoming a very aggressive and grabby nurser, pinching and hitting and gnawing and yanking at my clothes and face while she eats. So I'm not sure about putting up with that much longer; but if she has trouble with food, I will need to keep her on breast milk for a while.
DH had a cookout last week to celebrate six months "clean." By which he means off of heroin. He wanted his family to see how much better we are doing since he started treatment. I told him in the very beginning, when he was obsessed with proving to them that he was going to be a better person, that he needed to accept that nothing he did would ever be good enough for them. Of course he couldn't. That's understandable.
He's been doing that thing where you talk to all the people close to you and apologize for the things you've done to hurt them. Everyone but his mom has accepted his apologies. His stepdad cried on the phone with him and apologized for all the things he had done which contributed to DH's financial and emotional troubles. But she won't discuss it. She wants to hear that he is sorry for disobeying her and going off to that wicked, worldly college where all his problems started because he fell in with a bunch of partying lowlifes and became a drug addict. Which is light years away from the truth. So until he is ready to placate her ego by saying what she wants to hear, she doesn't want to hear it. Typical Borderline Personality.
So he invited his stepdad and brothers and his mom, and they all said ok. But everyone was suspiciously late. And about a half hour after they were supposed to arrive, one of his brothers texted him and said that they as a family feel that he cannot call himself clean or sober as long as he is on methadone. But because they care so deeply about him, and they wanted to see the kids, they would come anyway. And they did, and on the surface it was a good time. But I am so furious that the G people struck again. (That's a reference to their last name, in case you're confused.) They just can't stand to see him happy in some role other than the black sheep niche they've condemned him to. This is the FIRST TIME EVER that he has initiated social interaction between himself and his family as a whole, and they had to crap on it. Just typical.
He's been home more than usual lately due to rain, and the difference between last year and this year is really amazing. He's making some headway with changing his behavior now as well as his habits, and it's so good to relax, even if I can't always relax. I still get frustrated at times, like recently with the Family Guy thing. But it's a lot better.
He has decided not to go to church any more for the time being. That's ok. He usually keeps the princess while I take the boys. I'm working on getting them to be calm and quiet in church, and it's easier without her. He explained that this time of year is when his emotional turmoil is the worst, because it marks the anniversary of telling his family about the abuse he was suffering, and he sees it as the beginning of his hell. Because then he had to start reliving things he never wanted to remember, plus his mother went from neglectful to viciously abusive in a physical way, and everyone else started to view him as something less than, damaged, someone who might contaminate their own children. That does explain some of why our relationship always gets seriously messed up at this time of year. I'm glad he told me.
I was/am a scapegoat, black sheep, whatever label you want to put on it.
ReplyDeleteI have not used any illegal drugs for thirty years. I am an honor student, the proud mother of honor students, all sober, reliable, salt of the earth people, including my healing spouse.
My family-of-origin still hates me. My mom sees to it. They consider me hateful, a liar, wicked, you name it, if it's bad, they ascribe it to me. When I send them gifts they are viewed with suspicion and answered with slander. And yes, we are all "Christians".
My mom is NPD, and both my oldest and youngest siblings are enmeshed in her to varying degrees. My youngest sister completely lives my mom's emotions and words. My older sister treats me well sometimes, depending on how recently she has seen my mom.
My twin sister is outcast like I am. She is physically disabled and in so much emotional pain from the rejection and manipulation. I wish I could help her more than I am able, but I am only a human person. So I keep praying for her and giving what I can financially.
In the end, as the one who acted out the most, I am actually the lucky one! Once I accepted that my mom/family of origin would NEVER love and accept me, I began to heal. Going to ACoA, seeking private therapies at different times of life, and most recently EMDR/trauma therapy has given me the tools to accept what can't be changed, change what I can, and live my life loved.
Please send my solidarity to your husband. His family of origin is unlikely to ever change. If any one ever does start to move toward reality and healing (like my older sister did) he can be sure that as long as mom is alive she will do all she can to sabotage that person.
I'm not trying to destroy his hope by sharing my story, but rather hoping to redirect him towards a hope worth having. He can't change his life while it is tethered to people who don't want him to be changed.
I really thing that Steps Five, Eight and Nine should be taken slowly, carefully, and under the supervision of a counselor who believes in you. It gives over too much power to our family-of-origin to rip open the wounds of rejection they put there in the first place. Here's hoping this recent tear scabs over and starts healing quickly.
Peace and good will, SS
Thankyou for your comment, Shadowspring. It is very encouraging, and I am so sorry that you and your sister have to live as outsiders from your family. Congratulations on raising wonderful kids in spite of it all.
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